God Is In Control

Zoelle got a card this past week from her Grandma Cindy and Grandpa Tim that was a music card. Now Zoelle loves music and is so thrilled with the fact that every time she opens the card, the old Twila Paris song "God is in Control" blares from it. Me? I've learned to both love and hate that card this week.

You see Friday night our social worker came to our house at dinner time and quickly picked up our books. As she was on her way out the door, she says to us, "I'll just hang on to these books then until you know where you are at financially, ok?". I was completely confused. She went on to explain that unless we are all set financially, she would prefer not to hand out profile books to agencies who give them to their birth parents. The reason being that if a birth parent chooses us, we need to have all finances in hand. I totally understand, but am frustrated that this was not told to us before we agreed to renew our home study this year and before we had these profile books made up. We are once again at asking ourselves, "What do we do now? Where do we go from here? Can we even go on from here?" All very valid questions that we are struggling to find the answers to.

Right now we have a few options:

1. Go forward with handing out profile books and hope that if we get picked, our grants plus any money we have will cover the adoption. After all, we could get picked soon, or it could be months down the road.

2. Wait until we get the finances. However, we feel very strongly about not getting a loan from a bank, so that kind of shoots that option out the door.

3. Apply for an interest free adoption loan that several different places offer. This is something we would consider. Of course, it is still a loan, and it is not something we like, but again, an option.

After our social worker left on Friday night, we were pretty upset. So sad that we even got into a fight about what we should do. I went on a walk with the girls and Chris went to work as he had some work to finish up still. On the walk, tears just came streaming down my face and I cried out to God in my heart, "Why?". It is a question that I may never have the answer to. I prepared on Friday to write our little babe a sort of Goodbye Letter-in that I'll never actually get to meet you, but I need closure for myself type of letter. That night, once the girls were in bed and Chris was home, we talked about it and as I type this, we still don't know the answer. The only thing we know is that God does not want us to give up.

I honestly believe that it was no mistake that Grandma Cindy picked that particular card out for Zoelle this week. Every single stinkin' time I've needed it, Zoelle has come over to me and opened up that card and I have been reminded that God is in control. I've learned to love it because it reminds me that He is greater than all of this and is in control of it. He knows the outcome. But, I also hate it because it means that I need to give up my control to Him. Always, that is easier said then done.

Please be in prayer for us as we struggle with what to do, where to find the finances and to continually trust God in all of this.

After all...He is in control.

Sometimes I wish...

*That we just magically had all the money in our lap so that when our social worker calls with a situation we could say yes and not have to even think about the money aspect of the adoption.

*That we hadn't shared with the world that we are adopting because it is so hard to have people either 1. ignore it and never acknowledge it 2. have to tell people we are STILL waiting.

*That we would have gone the foster to adopt route on waiting infants so that it would not cost us all this money.

*That God would just reveal to me His plan in all of this.

*That I wouldn't cry so much over this baby, for this baby.

*That I could cherish my time with my two girls more right now and not focus so much on the adoption.

*That this baby would be snuggled into my arms right now as I post this.

Sometimes I just wish.....

Scratch That

Our social worker came Saturday morning to pick up our profile books. It was all good until about five minutes later I (Vanessa) had a revelation that I totally forgot to include in our book our "Dear Birth Mom" letter. Ughh! So, I called our social worker, who then dropped our books back off to us on Sunday afternoon. We have to have a blank page added to the back of our profile books, so that we can tape an envelope with our letter to the back. So, our books are back with the printing company and should hopefully be back to us soon, back to the social worker, on to other social workers, and finally to birth parents! Who knew adoption was going to be so much work?

Finally!

That would be we finally have our profile books in our hands! However, tomorrow morning they leave our hands and enter into our social worker's hands. From there, they go to other social workers around the United States and then hopefully into a birth mom/dad's hands.

We are officially one step closer! Laying hands on and saying a prayer with my sweet, faithful hubby tonight over these. That they would be a blessing to someone, even if we don't get picked, that they would show a birth parent that we care. That God would lead the right family into our lives that will bring us the little one we so desperately are praying for.

Feeling Some Hope

Sorry for the break from blogging. It was unintentional as for a few days we were without a computer while it got fixed (some sort of virus on it). Once we got it back, I just have not had a lot of extra time to post. Actually, even now I don't have a ton of time to post as Z is just about to wake up from her nap, and M is swinging in the swing for her nap. :)

I will say, part of the reason for not posting, is that I was feeling down for awhile. I just have been filled with many doubts of when this adoption would happen, how it would happen, etc. Our profile wasn't coming in and I was just feeling so sad about it all.

However, my little bit of hope today was that our proof copy of our family profile came in! So, next Monday we will take that and get 10 copies made. Those 10 copies will be mailed to different agencies around the US for potential birthmoms to view. Yay! One step closer again! :)

Also, we had been contacted with a potential situation, but decided that this particular sitation was not for us. Pray with us that we would know in the future always if we are to say "yes" or "no". Saying "no" is very hard and we want peace around either answer.

Just a side note-we have decided as a family that we will be sharing limited information on our child's situation (family, drug exposure, etc.). We are doing this because we feel that it is up to our child to share this information when he/she is old enough. Also, we do not want our son or daughter to be defined by the situation he/she comes from, but rather be defined by Christ who heals all pasts and knows the future.

Keep praying and believing with us.