Thanks and Other News

How does one begin to say thank you? Thank you for bringing us one step closer to our son/daughter. Thank you for giving us hope when sometimes hope seems lost. Thank you for being an answer to our prayer the night before; literally. I'm not exactly sure how one says thank you for all that. It seems almost too much for someone to do for us: a young married couple trying to follow God's plan in adopting this child of our hearts. Yet someone did do that. Someone, once again, anonymously gave to us. What a blessing! I don't want to say thank you to just that person though because there are more of you out there who can't give financially, yet you continually bless us. Each one of you who pray for us, talk to us about the adoption, give us a hug and tell us you are sorry; we thank you all! If you are reading this post, you have most certainly been a part of bringing our child home. For that, we cannot thank you enough. God has been speaking to my heart this week about being thankful for everything. So I chose to start at home and thank those closest to me. You are a part of that group of people. I love and appreciate each and everyone of you. I look forward to the day that I can post a picture of my child, or introduce you to him/her and with tears in my eyes tell you that it is because of you he/she is in my arms.

In other news, I was able to re-apply for one grant-Katelyn's Fund. So those of you who love to specifically pray, we would appreciate prayers that the work on that one is not in vain. We are still waiting to hear back from National Adoption Foundation (this one I apply for quartely), Gift of Adoption (they keep pushing our review back), and Sophie's Foundation. The rest of our grants to re-apply for have not yet reached a year so we need to wait just a bit longer. Please just pray for favor and that God would open Heaven for us so that all this work is not for nothing. We would appreciate it so very much.

Once again, thank you for being with us on our journey and please don't stop! We need you! I don't know how much longer of a journey we will have, but I'd love to have you along for the ride. Not only to encourage me, but also so that you can see the glory of God when it is all done and that babe is in our arms!

Why not International Adoption?

If you head on over here to my family blog you can see that, like many of you, Haiti has been on my heart. I've been praying and wondering what I, just a stay at home mom of two little girls, could do to help. So far, God has only told me to keep praying, and I have it on my heart to give too, so I need to talk to my hubby about that. However, Monday morning, not 24 hours after being told that we were not chosen for that baby, our social worker called and asked us if we wanted to adopt from Haiti. We needed an answer right then.

I don't do well making fast decisions. It takes me forever to decide...literally! Unfortunately, my husband is just like me in this area, so together we are s-l-o-w in making decisions. The good thing about that is: we rarely ever make a rash, bad decision. The bad thing about that is: we often miss out on what we were even deciding on in the first place.

I was in the middle of teaching piano when we got the call, so I didn't have much time to think until piano was done. Of course, the mom in me wanted to say yes immediately. All I could think of was the thousands of children orphaned. I pleaded my case to Chris stating that if we didn't adopt, that child would probably end up dead, or at the very least, starving for food and love from a family. Chris in his wisdom told me we needed to think and pray.

Eventually, we came up with the decision of no. Why you may ask? It's not our calling. From the time I was little, I felt whole heartedly called by God to adopt a domestic infant. No matter the cost, God showed me that He would provide. We didn't want to base this decision off of the fact that this child would probably be here soon, and that there would be no dealing with a wait, or decisions. We also have said time and time again, we don't want to have to make decisions based off of money. This was one situation that I was so thankful to God that we are slow decision makers. I was filled with peace and we know we made the right decision.

Perhaps one day we will adopt internationally*, but for now we follow the calling of adopting a domestic infant.

*That my friends is another post altogether because I actually do feel very called to adopt internationally, but God would have to change some MAJOR rules in the country I feel called to.

No one ever told me...

that adoption would be this hard. It never crossed my mind. At age 13, when I first felt called to adopt, all I understood was that it cost money. Oh if only it only cost money! When Chris and I decided almost 2 (yes I just said 2) years ago to do this, we didn't think we would still be waiting. No one ever told me that adoption cost time. In fact, they said just the opposite. It would be quick. It hasn't been. No one ever told me the decisions we would be faced with. For example, less than 24 hours of learning we would not be getting that baby, we were called about adopting a child from Haiti, and we needed an answer right then (more on that later). Most importantly, no one ever told me that I would lose my heart to adoption. That I would be more passionate about it than I ever thought possible. That I would dream of the day we meet our child. That I would dream of what he/she would look like. Dream of his/her first smile. Or the very first time I can kiss him/her and say "I love you".

No one ever told me that I would be in love with this child of my heart so much that I am willing to endure all of that for however long it takes. Because in the end, it will be worth it when my arms are filled with my beautiful child.

Numb

The e-mail came.
My heart sank.
She didn't choose us.
She chose the other family.

Tonight, while one family rejoices, I sit here numb. I just wish I could cry. But I have no tears. There are no words to describe how I feel. No words but numb. I don't understand, yet I do. I wish it was us, but it isn't. I'm so happy for the other family, yet I hurt for mine. The worst was having to give the news to my husband. I hate that! I almost cried then. I saw the hurt on his face. The disappointment. For one second, I wished I could lie.

I don't know what else to say. I'm numb, and I just want to cry, but I can't. Please help God!

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18

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On pins and needles

We are completely on pins and needles in our household, awaiting an answer. An incredibly sweet friend of mine sent me a text recently that said, "I can't imagine what it's like to think that tomorrow your world could change again". She put it perfectly. Every time that phone rings, I jump up and imagine that this could be it. Every time I sit to go check my e-mail I fear that there is an e-mail from our social worker. I'm convinced that if we are picked, we will get a call. If we aren't-it will be told to us in e-mail.

So we once again wait on pins and needles. All we know now is that the birthmom has our profile and wants a few days to decide. I'm praying that no matter what the outcome, she has peace and clarity with her decision.

So while I wait on pins and needles, I'll pray for her, for the baby, for us, and I'll enjoy my two girls that I have. For God may soon be giving us a third child and I want to cherish each second He gives us with just two.

Be Still My Heart

I have to restrain myself at times in this adoption process not to get too excited about possible situations. It is so hard to do, but I try to in order that I don't set myself up for disappointment later on. However when I hear from our social worker about a situation that sounds perfect for us, it is extremely hard. I don't want to get my heart involved, yet I do. I want to be excited for the possibility of what could be, yet I don't. For if I get involved and get excited, I might end up hurt. I don't want to hurt in this adoption process, yet I know it is not without tears. So today I ask for prayers. That God would guard my heart. That He would give me peace. That He would be in control of this situation.

Be Still My Heart!

Trepidation

Tonight I am filled with trepidation. The girls are in bed, Chris is shoveling snow (an extra job he got this winter to pay the bills), and I sit here doing basically nothing. Oh I could be doing something, but I'm scared; full of trepidation.

You see I know that eventually I need to pull out of my file cabinet the folder marked Adoption. In that folder I will find letter after letter of denial for various adoption grants that we applied for last year. Being that it has been a year (a place we never thought we would ever get to in this adoption journey), it is time for me to re-apply. I'm filled with trepidation though because it is a TON of work. Last year it was work with just one toddler. This year I have an active, crawling seven month old and a spirited two and a half year old. I'm one of those people who likes to sit down and get the job done all in one setting without interruption. Obviously not going to happen in this house, not right now anyway. But I need to bite the bullet and do it as I know it can help our adoption. Yet fear of doing all that work just to get rejected again is gnawing at me.

I come to you, once again to ask for prayers. Could you all please pray that I can get over this fear and just give it all to God. Of course, I also wouldn't mind you asking God to make all this work worth something. :)

Sometime I ask myself where my faith went? Remember this post? I want that little girl back in me and to live confidently and not with trepidation! Please pray!

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year to all our faithful blog readers. I can truly say that Chris and I are hoping and praying more than ever that this is the year our baby comes home.

Just a minute ago I checked out Chris' facebook. On it he had posted: "2010 should prove to be a great year as I look forward to welcoming my new baby home.". It brought tears to my eyes as I know how badly we both want that and are hoping and praying that this is the year.

We spent some time last night talking together about this past year and about our upcoming year. The thing we kept saying over and over is that we pray we don't have to wait much longer. For we never thought that we would be waiting this long in the first place.

So Happy New Year and may this be the year in which we have joyous news for you all!

Prayers and blessings on you all!