Just my heart...

I have been fighting with God lately. This whole past week I have been a mess. I've been in sin with my worry. It's not that I want to be, it's just that the control is hard to give up. Yet, it isn't really control when I feel anxious and worry either, is it? Seriously I have gone around and around in my mind this week with God. I so want this adoption to work out perfectly. I want to be able to trust God in all aspects of it, but especially the financial part. Yet, I sit here today and struggle doing just that. I thought that maybe, just maybe if I write out my thoughts and feelings (which are a bit jumbled-sorry about that), then I can see how truly ridiculous I am and turn back to completely trusting God! :)

This weekend, I was frantic re-filling out our adoption grant applications. I have officially done all I can possibly do now. There is nothing left. No more grant applications to fill out. So far we know of only two grants we have received. A $1,000 grant and an unknown amount not told to us until match. Yet we know an adoption could cost up to $20,000. We don't have much saved. We just haven't been able to save like we wanted to. Not when we are a young family, with two girls, and trying to follow Dave Ramsey like none other! It seems so unrealistic to me at times, and I'm sure also to others. Yet, is $20,000 really impossible for God? I don't think so. We would not have ever gone forth with this adoption if we did not know that God was leading us to do so, and He was/is. He also told us to watch and see what He would do on the financial end. So why do I still fight trusting Him? Why do I doubt He will do it if He told us He would? I fight because I'm human. I fight because I'm weak and I need Him to lift me up. I fight because I want this and feel that somehow I can do something by fighting.

I'm a complete fool. I know I can't do a thing. I have no way of getting the money. No way of getting this child. Not on my own. I need Him. I need Him to pave the way, to light the path before me. I need Him to take my hand and hold it as I'm scared. To show me that He loves me. That He cares.

Forgive me Lord. All I want God is to give this to You. To no longer fight You, but to realize that the plan is Yours and that You have already taken care of it. When it comes to pass, You will complete it. Hold me while I wait God and continue to strengthen me, to love me, and to have me surrender everything to You!

New Adoption Blog

Did you all notice over there <------------------- the new little blog button I am sporting. What do I have it for? Well, I found a giveaway online for a new adoption blog design and a giveaway for any blog (not just adoption). How neat right? And I want to win one of them. Why you may ask? Because I really want to reach the world about adoption. I don't want to just adopt and be done. I want to touch lives for adoption. If I can even touch one, I will have succeeded. However, I know in order to do that, image does mean something. Thus, I would love, love, love an adoption blog design makeover. So thanks for letting me break from my "typical" adoption posts to post this! Who knows, maybe you will all be seeing a new design soon! :)

Adopted by God

I've been quiet and I haven't meant to be. I've just been busy cooking, cleaning, doing laundry (which reminds me I have a load in the washer I need to switch out), taking care of my hubby, and my two girls. When I'm not doing all that, I am blogging on my family blog about life, marriage, my two girls, and I'm venturing into the world of blog reviews and giveaways. I'm having a blast and I cannot even begin to tell you how good God has been to me!! I feel so very blessed and amazed.

Ok, back to this blog and our adoption! This past Sunday, our pastor shared an incredible message on adoption. He basically shared how we are adopted by God. Simple concept right? Like one I should have known and realized long ago. Yet, I haven't really ever thought much about being adopted by God. Sure, I became a Christian at the age of five and I've followed Him ever since, but adopted, no I never thought of Him adopting me. Him choosing me. The passage Pastor picked on Sunday was this:

Long, long ago he decided to adopt us into his family through Jesus Christ. (What pleasure he took in planning this!) He wanted us to enter into the celebration of his lavish gift-giving by the hand of his beloved Son. Ephesians 1:5 (The Message)

Wow! What a powerful scripture to read. To know that God took pleasure in planning for me, just as I have had the pleasure in planning for our child. That He picked me to be in His family long before I ever accepted Him into my heart. It seems like such a simple concept, yet one that hit me in the face this past week.

I am God's because He chose me to be His. Same as He is choosing a child for us. We do not choose, but God does and it is all designed to be in His timing, His plan. Pretty amazing if you ask me!

Random thoughts from a soon to be adoptive mama

I wish I had news, but I don't. This adoption seems like a never ending wait. I have stuggled with ups and downs many times during the wait. The other night, Chris and I were sharing with a good friend about our adoption and how hard it has been. At the end of our conversation, I came to the conclusion that God must have wanted to strengthen my faith, my patience, my trust in Him. Because two years (coming up in July) is way longer than I ever thought I'd say we had waited. I look back and sometimes feel like I have wasted two years. On the other hand, I look back and think that if God wouldn't have made me wait this long, there is no way I would have the faith in Him I have today. I have also been able to see some incredible miracles while I wait.

I do have some fears. I fear that those who have supported us are wondering if we are ever going to adopt. Or what happened to their money. I know not all of our supporters read this blog, and so I fear that many think we have given up. We haven't! Which brings me to the fact that I am currently really struggling with how to make this adoption "real" to people. I don't know how to tell people we are adopting. Or if I should bring it up more or not. I don't have a big belly in front of people's faces all the time to remind them that yes we are still adopting. I want people to be just as excited for us as if we were pregnant, yet I find that most people aren't. I'm often sad that my online friends are sometimes the most supportive ones out there constantly asking me about it, or praying for it. All the while, my in real life friends haven't asked or said something in weeks. Oh I know it's not their fault. I think often times no one knows what to say or how to approach it. I just wish they would say something. Anything really. Just to confirm they care, they are excited for us to adopt. Meanwhile, I ask God to help me not to get sad or bitter toward it all. See yet another thing God is working on in me that I otherwise probably wouldn't have gotten to work on. :)

So keep praying dear blog readers. Ask God to show me Him in this wait, however much longer it may be. I really need to see Him through it all!