I can hardly believe it has been 1 week and 1 day since we found out. It had to be the slowest, and yet fastest week all in one. My mind is still having a hard time grasping how it can be over with so quickly. We got a call last Wednesday at about 1 p.m. saying that "R" was going to sign and congrats, only to be called back about three hours later to hear that it fell through. Life changed in an instant, and just like that, our "child" was gone. Until the day I die, I will pray for "R" and wonder about the baby. With tears in my eyes, and with my heart breaking, I know it is the will of God and that His timing is perfect, but it does still hurt.
Perhaps the hardest thought for me is jumping back into waiting. I hate waiting. I am literally physically sick of waiting. It means ups and downs emotionally, and going days, possibly even weeks without any new news. If I start to think about it too much, I feel suffocated at the thought of how long it could be. If you would all please pray that God could lift that heaviness, I would really appreciate it. It seems so heavy and really hard for me to take at times.
While we wait, I go back to praying for the child that is to be ours, the birthmom, our girls, and us. I pray that God would prepare all of us in every aspect. God obviously has an incredibly special baby just for us and there has to be reasons on why He has us wait even longer. So I pray for God to fulfill in our lives, or the baby, or the birthmom, those reasons.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Friday, March 19, 2010
On Our Hearts
I remember once reading years ago on a message board a message from a woman who had a failed adoption and how her heart was breaking. I remember asking myself how it could possibly break when the child was never hers? I wasn't being judgemental or critical of her, just questioning how it could be possible. I now know how it is possible.
It's possible because despite trying to guard your heart in adoption, you do dream, you plan, and think of how everything will come together with a new baby in your life. Throughout the day, I often think what it would have been like to see Mer be a big sister, or how Z would have handled a new baby a year after she first got the privledge of being a big sister. I dream of what that baby would look like and I wonder if it is being well taken care of now. Is the baby being loved like it would have been here? So many unanswered questions. Yet, we still have a peace.
As much as I would love to hide in my house and just curl up in a ball and cry, I can't. I have two beautiful little girls who are with me and who need me to still be mama. They make me smile through my tears. How could they not when they look like this?
Even though my heart aches, I have to move on. Moving on is part of the process that I don't really like. I invested so much time, emotion, money (for the letters we sent out), and energy into the last month only to have it all disappear in a one minute phone conversation. The question is how do I move on? How can I start the waiting process all over again? The biggest question is probably going to be how do I ever show excitement again when we do get matched? Do we even tell anyone, or just hide it out of fear of once again a failed adoption?
One thing I do want to say about our adoption right now is a sincere thank you to those who financially supported us. Whether that was years ago, right now, or somewhere in the middle, we have greatly appreciated it. When we sent out this last letter, we did so knowing that even if God chose not to let us adopt that baby, He did have one for us, and any support has provided a way for us to eventually bring our child home. I have had many mention to me that they only could give $20, or $10. Please do not for one minute think of any amount as an only. For it is not an only, instead it is a vessel. A vessel to not only touch our lives and that of our child, but to touch the birthparents, socials workers, legal forces, and those who read my blog who don't even "know" us. So thank you. We are so very sorry that the money could not have gone to this child, but know that it is being put into our adoption fund and that all money is used directly and only for our adoption.
So keep praying and believing with us friends. For one day, we will have completed this journey and be able to share the wonderful news with you that our child is no longer just on our hearts, but in our home.
*Photo of Zoelle, by Ana Cole Photography
It's possible because despite trying to guard your heart in adoption, you do dream, you plan, and think of how everything will come together with a new baby in your life. Throughout the day, I often think what it would have been like to see Mer be a big sister, or how Z would have handled a new baby a year after she first got the privledge of being a big sister. I dream of what that baby would look like and I wonder if it is being well taken care of now. Is the baby being loved like it would have been here? So many unanswered questions. Yet, we still have a peace.
As much as I would love to hide in my house and just curl up in a ball and cry, I can't. I have two beautiful little girls who are with me and who need me to still be mama. They make me smile through my tears. How could they not when they look like this?
Even though my heart aches, I have to move on. Moving on is part of the process that I don't really like. I invested so much time, emotion, money (for the letters we sent out), and energy into the last month only to have it all disappear in a one minute phone conversation. The question is how do I move on? How can I start the waiting process all over again? The biggest question is probably going to be how do I ever show excitement again when we do get matched? Do we even tell anyone, or just hide it out of fear of once again a failed adoption?
I have felt so loved with the comments I have gotten on facebook, twitter, message boards, or in real life. Comments of love and understanding of the hurt. My feelings are all over the place. I'm sad, yet at peace with the decision made. I'm excited to find out who God really has for us, and yet I don't want to have to wait again (I'm truly sick of the waiting). I think the biggest feeling I have though is that I don't want people to forget we are adopting. I don't want people to stop asking about it, as if it is taboo. I want to talk about it. I might not want to go into all the details, but I do want to talk.
One thing I do want to say about our adoption right now is a sincere thank you to those who financially supported us. Whether that was years ago, right now, or somewhere in the middle, we have greatly appreciated it. When we sent out this last letter, we did so knowing that even if God chose not to let us adopt that baby, He did have one for us, and any support has provided a way for us to eventually bring our child home. I have had many mention to me that they only could give $20, or $10. Please do not for one minute think of any amount as an only. For it is not an only, instead it is a vessel. A vessel to not only touch our lives and that of our child, but to touch the birthparents, socials workers, legal forces, and those who read my blog who don't even "know" us. So thank you. We are so very sorry that the money could not have gone to this child, but know that it is being put into our adoption fund and that all money is used directly and only for our adoption.
So keep praying and believing with us friends. For one day, we will have completed this journey and be able to share the wonderful news with you that our child is no longer just on our hearts, but in our home.
*Photo of Zoelle, by Ana Cole Photography
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
At Peace
It is with saddened, yet at peace hearts that we tell you that our adoption fell through. It is such an odd feeling to be sad yet at peace. It was our prayer though that if this baby was not meant to be ours, that the papers would not be signed and that in it, we would have peace. God answered those prayers and for that we are grateful.
We are also extremely grateful for our wonderful friends and family who all came together to support us in prayer, finances, and uplifting words. Without that, we don't think we could have gotten thru the last 24 hours.
These next few hours, days, weeks will be a challenge for us as we were deeply emotionally involved and are quite shocked about it all. They say that having a failed adoption feels like losing a child. We're not sure if this is what it feels like or not, but we do know that there is still a hole in our family that is waiting to be filled.
We ask that you uphold us in prayer as we are still choosing to move forward with adoption and just know that God has the perfect timing and child for us.
We are also extremely grateful for our wonderful friends and family who all came together to support us in prayer, finances, and uplifting words. Without that, we don't think we could have gotten thru the last 24 hours.
These next few hours, days, weeks will be a challenge for us as we were deeply emotionally involved and are quite shocked about it all. They say that having a failed adoption feels like losing a child. We're not sure if this is what it feels like or not, but we do know that there is still a hole in our family that is waiting to be filled.
We ask that you uphold us in prayer as we are still choosing to move forward with adoption and just know that God has the perfect timing and child for us.
This Is Our Prayer
Birthmom has not signed yet and from what we know, she is legally able to now that it has been 48 hours from birth. We have a specific prayer request for all of you.
Please pray that if this child is not meant to be ours, that God would stop "R" from signing papers. If this child is meant to be ours, that money, circumstances, etc. would be no object and that she would sign so that we know this is our child.
Thank you for the kind words, encouragement, and love!! We SO appreciate it. We will keep you updated!!
Please pray that if this child is not meant to be ours, that God would stop "R" from signing papers. If this child is meant to be ours, that money, circumstances, etc. would be no object and that she would sign so that we know this is our child.
Thank you for the kind words, encouragement, and love!! We SO appreciate it. We will keep you updated!!
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Faith & Prayers
It's amazing how God works sometimes. Right in the middle of my mom's group (which is a Bible Study at church for mom's) this morning, I got a call from my social worker. I knew when I saw her name on the Caller ID that I needed to answer. So I tried as quietly as possible to do so knowing that something had to be up. I slipped out in the hallway and got the news that the baby (potentially our baby) had been born!
Wow! I was shocked and full of fear and nerves, but then God brought me back to what the talk was about in mom's group and I was reminded to speak life and to trust Him that He is in control. Nothing is too big for Him. Not the timing, not the finances, not the logistics. Nothing! And I WILL keep declaring that for the world to hear!
So, we need prayers. If you could specifically pray for "R" our birthmom that would be great. She has not signed yet. I am praying for God to give her a direction and a peace. Pray for peace for us as well. It's a bit crazy around here as we try to prepare to possibly leave. Pray for the travel plans to fall into place. Most of all, pray for us financially. This all came about MUCH sooner than we thought, but while we are surprised, we know God is not. He can move mountains, and we have chosen to have the faith the size of a mustard seed and believe that He can do anything! Please believe with us and support us in that.
Two little side notes:
*That really is all the info we have on the baby, no gender, weight, etc. was given. However, even though baby was born early, our social worker has stated that she believes baby is healthy.
*For those who have supported us financially, we had a few ask us if any of this money is "at risk" meaning that if the birthmom doesn't go through with this, will we lose any money. The answer is no. If for some reason she doesn't sign, the money that we have will just go towards the adoption of the child God has declared for us.
Wow! I was shocked and full of fear and nerves, but then God brought me back to what the talk was about in mom's group and I was reminded to speak life and to trust Him that He is in control. Nothing is too big for Him. Not the timing, not the finances, not the logistics. Nothing! And I WILL keep declaring that for the world to hear!
So, we need prayers. If you could specifically pray for "R" our birthmom that would be great. She has not signed yet. I am praying for God to give her a direction and a peace. Pray for peace for us as well. It's a bit crazy around here as we try to prepare to possibly leave. Pray for the travel plans to fall into place. Most of all, pray for us financially. This all came about MUCH sooner than we thought, but while we are surprised, we know God is not. He can move mountains, and we have chosen to have the faith the size of a mustard seed and believe that He can do anything! Please believe with us and support us in that.
Two little side notes:
*That really is all the info we have on the baby, no gender, weight, etc. was given. However, even though baby was born early, our social worker has stated that she believes baby is healthy.
*For those who have supported us financially, we had a few ask us if any of this money is "at risk" meaning that if the birthmom doesn't go through with this, will we lose any money. The answer is no. If for some reason she doesn't sign, the money that we have will just go towards the adoption of the child God has declared for us.
Monday, March 15, 2010
Partnership
Dear Family & Friends,
We have been matched! Yes, you have read that correctly; after almost two years of waiting, we have been matched and will soon bring our new baby home!
Not long ago we received a call from our agency with the great news and we are now able to share our news with you.
First and foremost we ask that you pray for this situation. We are in need of major prayers for several things. Please pray for our birthmother. This is an extremely trying time for her and we pray for the Lord’s Peace to be with her during the final days of her pregnancy. She is due at the end of March so this is urgent! We also ask that you pray for our family. Pray that all goes well with bringing baby home and that our family will have an easy adjustment.
We would like to extend a sincere thank you to all of our faithful supporters; all that have prayed for us and/or supported us financially. At this point we know that our adoption is going to cost about $19,000 plus travel expenses. As of right now we have received two grants to help offset this huge cost. One of our grants is for $1,000 while the other amount will not be disclosed to us until we are closer to bringing our baby home. Thus far we have spent about $3,000 relating to our home study. This cost has taken the bulk of our donations, leaving us with less than $2,000 in our adoption savings account. As you can see, at this time we are a long way from achieving our financial goal. We will not worry; however, as this is nothing for the power of God, for perfect love casts out all fear.
We understand that we have asked once before and many of you have already supported us, but due to the circumstances and time frame we are dealing with, we ask for your financial help once more. Please prayerfully consider partnering with us in this adoption! We so strongly feel this as the Lord’s calling on our life and we trust in Him and Him alone that He will soon make it a reality.
“Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you.” James 1:27
While there isn’t room in this letter to disclose all of the information regarding our recent match, you can go online and check out our adoption blog at http://onourhearts.blogspot.com/ We will keep this updated as we go along.
Love in Him,
Christopher, Vanessa, Zoelle, & Meridian
We have been matched! Yes, you have read that correctly; after almost two years of waiting, we have been matched and will soon bring our new baby home!
Not long ago we received a call from our agency with the great news and we are now able to share our news with you.
First and foremost we ask that you pray for this situation. We are in need of major prayers for several things. Please pray for our birthmother. This is an extremely trying time for her and we pray for the Lord’s Peace to be with her during the final days of her pregnancy. She is due at the end of March so this is urgent! We also ask that you pray for our family. Pray that all goes well with bringing baby home and that our family will have an easy adjustment.
We would like to extend a sincere thank you to all of our faithful supporters; all that have prayed for us and/or supported us financially. At this point we know that our adoption is going to cost about $19,000 plus travel expenses. As of right now we have received two grants to help offset this huge cost. One of our grants is for $1,000 while the other amount will not be disclosed to us until we are closer to bringing our baby home. Thus far we have spent about $3,000 relating to our home study. This cost has taken the bulk of our donations, leaving us with less than $2,000 in our adoption savings account. As you can see, at this time we are a long way from achieving our financial goal. We will not worry; however, as this is nothing for the power of God, for perfect love casts out all fear.
We understand that we have asked once before and many of you have already supported us, but due to the circumstances and time frame we are dealing with, we ask for your financial help once more. Please prayerfully consider partnering with us in this adoption! We so strongly feel this as the Lord’s calling on our life and we trust in Him and Him alone that He will soon make it a reality.
“Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you.” James 1:27
While there isn’t room in this letter to disclose all of the information regarding our recent match, you can go online and check out our adoption blog at http://onourhearts.blogspot.com/ We will keep this updated as we go along.
Love in Him,
Christopher, Vanessa, Zoelle, & Meridian
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Three Under Three!!!
Yes, you just read that correctly! The post we have been seemingly waiting forever to post, we can now officially post. We are going to be parents to three children under the age of three years old! Woohoo! It will definitely be an adventure, that is for sure. We know you all have questions and we are going to do our best to answer so here we go:
How long have you known?
We have actually known for a little over 3 weeks, but for various reasons, we weren't able to tell until now. So if in the last 3 weeks you have asked us, we have lied! :) Sorry about that. You truly wouldn't believe how many people just happened to ask us these past weeks and it was so hard to keep our mouths shut!
When is the baby due?
End of March
Do you know if it's a boy or girl?
Yes we do, but just as we never found out with our girls, we have chosen to not tell with this baby until he/she is here.
What race is the baby?
We are going to save that story for later.
Where is the baby from?
Texas
How much is it going to cost?
Between $18,000-$19,000 plus travel fees.
Do you have the money financially to adopt?
No, we don't! We will find out soon on how much our Micah Fund grant is giving us, so we will have more of an idea of how much we will need. The rest is all up to God. When we were first called with a match, we were extremely excited, yet also nervous as to how the funds will come together. However, over the last few weeks, God has shown us His faithfulness and His power in providing. We know that He will provide.
Do you have any specific prayer requests?
Yes. Please pray first and foremost for our birthmom R. That she would have peace and direction in this decision. We cannot even begin to imagine the range of emotions she is experiencing and we know that it would be extremely hard. Second of all, pray for ALL things to come together smoothly. Money, travel plans, Meridian sleeping, Zoelle adapting, etc. We just are asking for a supernatural prayer over this adoption.
We will definitely keep you all updated as we go along so keep checking here for updates!
How long have you known?
We have actually known for a little over 3 weeks, but for various reasons, we weren't able to tell until now. So if in the last 3 weeks you have asked us, we have lied! :) Sorry about that. You truly wouldn't believe how many people just happened to ask us these past weeks and it was so hard to keep our mouths shut!
When is the baby due?
End of March
Do you know if it's a boy or girl?
Yes we do, but just as we never found out with our girls, we have chosen to not tell with this baby until he/she is here.
What race is the baby?
We are going to save that story for later.
Where is the baby from?
Texas
How much is it going to cost?
Between $18,000-$19,000 plus travel fees.
Do you have the money financially to adopt?
No, we don't! We will find out soon on how much our Micah Fund grant is giving us, so we will have more of an idea of how much we will need. The rest is all up to God. When we were first called with a match, we were extremely excited, yet also nervous as to how the funds will come together. However, over the last few weeks, God has shown us His faithfulness and His power in providing. We know that He will provide.
Do you have any specific prayer requests?
Yes. Please pray first and foremost for our birthmom R. That she would have peace and direction in this decision. We cannot even begin to imagine the range of emotions she is experiencing and we know that it would be extremely hard. Second of all, pray for ALL things to come together smoothly. Money, travel plans, Meridian sleeping, Zoelle adapting, etc. We just are asking for a supernatural prayer over this adoption.
We will definitely keep you all updated as we go along so keep checking here for updates!
Monday, March 8, 2010
Application Updates
Thought I would do a quick review of our adoption grant applications for you all so you know where we stand and how to pray.
Micah Fund-We have this one....just waiting to find out the amount given once we are matched. Please pray specifically that we would receive the full amount we asked for.
Match Fund-$1,000
Katelyn's Fund-Re-applied and praying that God would work supernaturally in this so that we can get it.
Gift of Adoption-They finally reviewed our application, but denied us. However, the good news is, we can re-apply 3 times and we definitely will! The only reason they denied us is that we have less than half the cost of the adoption already funded (which would be around $10,000). They like to see that amount before granting us a grant. We are praying for a miracle so that we can re-apply soon!
National Adoption Foundation-This one we have applied for many times and not gotten. However you can keep re-applying many times. Again, praying that God would do a miracle with the adoption and let us get it this month!!
God's Grace Adoption Ministry-This is one we applied for last year and did not receive. We re-applied and are confident that God can and will do a miracle in this!
Orphan Ministry Adoption-This is one that just started in the town we live in. It is through a local church and they will be meeting on March 15th to discuss our application. If you could be in prayer for God to reign, that would be wonderful.
I think that covers all that we can and have done! Phew! Lots of paperwork, but I believe worth it in the end. If you want to pray specifically, could you just pray that God would show favor on us for each grant. That He would lay on the hearts of the people to support us. Lastly, and I hope I'm not sounding selfish here, that He would grant us the maximum amount possible for each grant.
I know some may think we are crazy, and we would too if we were on the other side, but honestly we have such a peace that can only come from God. We also know that He loves the orphan and want to provide for them, and that is what has been laid on our hearts to do. So thank you faithful blog readers and prayer warriors, we appreciate it more than you will probably ever know!!
Micah Fund-We have this one....just waiting to find out the amount given once we are matched. Please pray specifically that we would receive the full amount we asked for.
Match Fund-$1,000
Katelyn's Fund-Re-applied and praying that God would work supernaturally in this so that we can get it.
Gift of Adoption-They finally reviewed our application, but denied us. However, the good news is, we can re-apply 3 times and we definitely will! The only reason they denied us is that we have less than half the cost of the adoption already funded (which would be around $10,000). They like to see that amount before granting us a grant. We are praying for a miracle so that we can re-apply soon!
National Adoption Foundation-This one we have applied for many times and not gotten. However you can keep re-applying many times. Again, praying that God would do a miracle with the adoption and let us get it this month!!
God's Grace Adoption Ministry-This is one we applied for last year and did not receive. We re-applied and are confident that God can and will do a miracle in this!
Orphan Ministry Adoption-This is one that just started in the town we live in. It is through a local church and they will be meeting on March 15th to discuss our application. If you could be in prayer for God to reign, that would be wonderful.
I think that covers all that we can and have done! Phew! Lots of paperwork, but I believe worth it in the end. If you want to pray specifically, could you just pray that God would show favor on us for each grant. That He would lay on the hearts of the people to support us. Lastly, and I hope I'm not sounding selfish here, that He would grant us the maximum amount possible for each grant.
I know some may think we are crazy, and we would too if we were on the other side, but honestly we have such a peace that can only come from God. We also know that He loves the orphan and want to provide for them, and that is what has been laid on our hearts to do. So thank you faithful blog readers and prayer warriors, we appreciate it more than you will probably ever know!!
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Why Wouldn't I?
Tonight my sister Genevieve and I had the opportunity to sing at a concert celebrating adoption. Obviously, adoption is near and dear to my heart. I also know it is to my sister's as well. You see many of you may not realize, but we come from a family that has been touched deeply through adoption. I am the second oldest of soon to be thirteen children. We were just a little family of four (dad, mom, Gen, and myself) and then at eighteen years old, I was no longer the baby as they adopted a sibling set of three. Two years later came six more, and now they are adopting two more.
As I mentioned at the concert, my sibling's adoption is part of the reason we choose to adopt. However, it isn't the main reason, nor the sole reason for us adopting. Years ago God laid on my heart to adopt and I haven't forgotten since. It was as if God spoke directly to me and said, "Why wouldn't you adopt?".
Now I know not everyone is called to adopt, but I do know that God did specifically ask for everyone to help:
So if you are sitting there on the other side of your computer reading this, I implore you to please think of where you can help in adoption. It may be adopting, it may be in finances, or it may just be in prayer. Any way you help is appreciated by both those adopting and by God who loves those orphans more than anyone else in the whole world.
As I mentioned at the concert, my sibling's adoption is part of the reason we choose to adopt. However, it isn't the main reason, nor the sole reason for us adopting. Years ago God laid on my heart to adopt and I haven't forgotten since. It was as if God spoke directly to me and said, "Why wouldn't you adopt?".
Now I know not everyone is called to adopt, but I do know that God did specifically ask for everyone to help:
Anyone who sets himself up as "religious" by talking a good game is self-deceived. This kind of religion is hot air and only hot air. Real religion, the kind that passes muster before God the Father, is this: Reach out to the homeless and loveless in their plight, and guard against corruption from the godless world. ~James 1: 27Wow! Hits you pretty hard when it's put that way doesn't it? I know it has me. In fact, I have told Chris numerous times over the last six and a half years of marriage that one day I will set up an adoption fund to help parents just like us. That is something that I know God has laid on my heart in order to help the orphan.
So if you are sitting there on the other side of your computer reading this, I implore you to please think of where you can help in adoption. It may be adopting, it may be in finances, or it may just be in prayer. Any way you help is appreciated by both those adopting and by God who loves those orphans more than anyone else in the whole world.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Faithfulness
I've been doing a lot of thinking on faithfulness lately. It's probably because of the fact that God has taken my faith and level of trust in Him up to a new level, and in return for my faithfulness, He has shown me His. And even when I fail to be faithful to Him and trust Him, He is still God. A faithful God. It's pretty amazing actually. The stories I could share of the faithfulness of God in this adoption, our personal finances, in our marriage, our children, etc. are absolutely astounding. Literally they leave me in awe of Him and His power.
It is because of His faithfulness that today I can sit here at the computer and know that we will be ok in this adoption. That I have no need to fear anything. For He already has it all covered. I think God is slowly teaching me this over the past two weeks. Two times the Lord has had someone share with me the story of the Israelites crossing the Red Sea and how it was in His time, the perfect time might I add, that the waters parted so they could cross on dry land. Someone else also shared with me that the Israelites had it all wrong when they praised God after the crossing. They should have praised God before the waters parted knowing that they serve a faithful God.
So today, in spite of any fear or worry I have, I choose to praise God before the adoption happens, before the money comes in. For great is His faithfulness!
It is because of His faithfulness that today I can sit here at the computer and know that we will be ok in this adoption. That I have no need to fear anything. For He already has it all covered. I think God is slowly teaching me this over the past two weeks. Two times the Lord has had someone share with me the story of the Israelites crossing the Red Sea and how it was in His time, the perfect time might I add, that the waters parted so they could cross on dry land. Someone else also shared with me that the Israelites had it all wrong when they praised God after the crossing. They should have praised God before the waters parted knowing that they serve a faithful God.
So today, in spite of any fear or worry I have, I choose to praise God before the adoption happens, before the money comes in. For great is His faithfulness!
