On Our Hearts

I remember once reading years ago on a message board a message from a woman who had a failed adoption and how her heart was breaking. I remember asking myself how it could possibly break when the child was never hers? I wasn't being judgemental or critical of her, just questioning how it could be possible. I now know how it is possible.

It's possible because despite trying to guard your heart in adoption, you do dream, you plan, and think of how everything will come together with a new baby in your life.  Throughout the day, I often think what it would have been like to see Mer be a big sister, or how Z would have handled a new baby a year after she first got the privledge of being a big sister. I dream of what that baby would look like and I wonder if it is being well taken care of now. Is the baby being loved like it would have been here? So many unanswered questions. Yet, we still have a peace.

As much as I would love to hide in my house and just curl up in a ball and cry, I can't. I have two beautiful little girls who are with me and who need me to still be mama. They make me smile through my tears. How could they not when they look like this?

Even though my heart aches, I have to move on. Moving on is part of the process that I don't really like. I invested so much time, emotion, money (for the letters we sent out), and energy into the last month only to have it all disappear in a one minute phone conversation. The question is how do I move on? How can I start the waiting process all over again? The biggest question is probably going to be how do I ever show excitement again when we do get matched? Do we even tell anyone, or just hide it out of fear of once again a failed adoption?

I have felt so loved with the comments I have gotten on facebook, twitter, message boards, or in real life. Comments of love and understanding of the hurt. My feelings are all over the place. I'm sad, yet at peace with the decision made. I'm excited to find out who God really has for us, and yet I don't want to have to wait again (I'm truly sick of the waiting). I think the biggest feeling I have though is that I don't want people to forget we are adopting. I don't want people to stop asking about it, as if it is taboo. I want to talk about it. I might not want to go into all the details, but I do want to talk.

One thing I do want to say about our adoption right now is a sincere thank you to those who financially supported us. Whether that was years ago, right now, or somewhere in the middle, we have greatly appreciated it. When we sent out this last letter, we did so knowing that even if God chose not to let us adopt that baby, He did have one for us, and any support has provided a way for us to eventually bring our child home. I have had many mention to me that they only could give $20, or $10. Please do not for one minute think of any amount as an only. For it is not an only, instead it is a vessel. A vessel to not only touch our lives and that of our child, but to touch the birthparents, socials workers, legal forces, and those who read my blog who don't even "know" us. So thank you. We are so very sorry that the money could not have gone to this child, but know that it is being put into our adoption fund and that all money is used directly and only for our adoption.

So keep praying and believing with us friends. For one day, we will have completed this journey and be able to share the wonderful news with you that our child is no longer just on our hearts, but in our home.

*Photo of Zoelle, by Ana Cole Photography