What I really wanted to do this November was to change lives for adoption. To support adoptive parents, to support foster care, to support birth parents.
I wasn't sure how I was going to do it, but I really wanted to do it.
Not for me, but for them...the waiting children, the anxious birthmom, the lonely child. I wanted to help them.
And I'm pretty sure I failed.
I'll be honest, I'm really struggling with where to "fit in" in the adoption world. We aren't currently adopting, and I'm not sure we ever will again. Yet, after knowing the adoption world, I feel like I can't just step out of it and back into the "regular" world. If I did that, I'd feel like I was turning a blind eye to all the hurt, loss, need, and beauty in adoption.
So I sit here tonight with my tea in my hands wondering just where God would have us "fit in". What does He have for us?
I thought I knew, but now, now I'm just now sure. I feel lost, alone, and sad.
So I stand with my hands stretched wide asking God, "What now?" and like a whispered wind blowing across my heart, He tells me, "Wait daughter. Wait.".
So for now, I wait.
oh Vanessa! you THINK you have failed, but you have not. altho i am not going to be adopting in the near future (at least i don't THINK i am...but God may have other plans that i'm not seeing yet), what i have read about your adoption journey has given me new eyes regarding adoption. i always used to see it as "romantic" in a way....the prospect of helping a hurting or unwanted child, being a *new* mom again....sigh :\ but you have helped me realize there is so much more to it than that. i have always really known there is a LOT more to it than that, but you have put it out there so clearly that i (and others) can't help but see that things aren't always easy as the commercials and ads make it look. plus, i never before considered the birth mom....just always thought "HOW could anyone give their baby away like that?" i just didn't get it. the compassion and love you have for these birth moms is so amazing! thank you for posting about them!
ReplyDeleteso, if you think you have failed, i am here to tell you (again) that you have not! i for one have been forever changed and i'm sure there are many many more who have been too. thank you!
Dawn-You are SO incredibly kind to me. I am in tears here reading what you wrote. It is exactly what I needed to hear. <3
ReplyDelete